Alone

When I got back to my parents house. Ainsley was at the door. What a sight! My beautiful girl. I got out if the car, went inside and grabbed her up in a big hug. Tears started to flow. After I had calmed down, i asked my parents to come to the living room and talk. I told my father I was pregnant and was giving the baby up for adoption. I could tell he was very disappointed and angry. He said " That is your only choice. The other one is the door." I accepted that. The other thing is I was not to tell any of the family. That was hard. I felt so alone. I was a dirty secret and am some way still am. I lost friends. It was to hard to explain about giving up the baby.
From that point on I was always in a odd state of peace about my decision, but at the same time my heart was breaking. I knew once I gave birth, this was no longer my baby. Never to hold, but always to love. I HAD to find the right family.
I had called several agencies. The only problem is that most didn't allow Ainsely to come with me. I didn't know what to do! I called Ainsey's Day Care to tell them I was going to be late on payment. I had grown up with the directions kids so I let her know what was going on. She connected me to Brother Aaron, the pastor of our church. the first question out of his mouth was " have you signed with an agency"? I said no. He said I have several families if you would like to hear about them. I said OK. The first ones wanted closed only. I said no. I wanted to meet them and see what kind of parents they would be. I also wanted pictures at least once a year, maybe a small letter. The second couple, the husband decided he was not ready. I was so glad he knew his heart. The third couple had just adopted from China. I thought I might never find a family. The next day Bro. Aaron called and told me that the third couple knew of some friend who were looking to adopt and if I was open to meeting them. I said sure. He said It would be the wife only, her husband was out of town on business. I said it was OK as long as i did get to meet him soon.
The day came for the meeting. I was SO nervous. I think I had a panic attack. Then I had this calming feeling and a voice tell me everything would be good. These were the people who were meant to be her parents. the way I felt is indescribable. The nerves were gone. I was at total peace. I was ready to meet my child's mother.
I had arrived early. I was seated in a meeting room. Bro. Aaron asked if I was nervous and needed to pray. I said I was nervous and needed prayer. I told him I could use as much prayer as I could get,, But I was not nervous. I had felt the had of God and that he or one of angles had told me these are ones.
About that time I saw her, the future mother if my child. I'll never forget it. She looked so hopeful and scared at the same time. I stood up and shook her had and introduced myself. We went back and forth with questions. What kind of abortion I wanted a semi-open. A picture a year and maybe a small note. I wanted to keep a third party line open for medical info. After her birth I did not want to see her until her and Ainsley were ready. We would get in touch and decided a date and age. She told me about their troubles conceiving and about their failed adoption. I tried to assure her that would not happen with me. Not that I'm trying to adopt I totally understand. After the meeting I told her I thought I was going to be a girl. I had no idea why. She smiled and said she felt it was too.
about a week later I meet James. He was very nervous and stand offish. I asked him if he wanted to be here and he said no. I told him he was free to leave at any time. He said he felt he needed to meet me and have some question answered and answer some questions for me. By the time we. Were done I told them they were the ones. they both asked if I was sure and didn't need to think on it. I said I was sure and to line up a lawyer. I asked Sarah if she wanted to come to the Dr.'s appoints with me. She says "really"?! I said sure. I also invited James, but it was out of his comfort zone.
I walked out of there knowing at least the first step on my child's future. If I had only known that time would run at lightning speed from then on. This race was meant to to be run alone.