I Got an e-mail!

I had e-mailed Anna about some medical info. I got a e-mail back! She told me a little about Trinity. She is happy and healthy. She loves animals! What a treasure! This gives me such joy and peace! Just to  hear from her mom that everything is good. It's a dream come true. Anytime a tornado goes through their town, I worry. Same thing if there is a car wreck. Just to know she is healthy is a gift from God. I have always worried. Thank you Anna, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you!

Worry and Relief

I was woken the next morning by the nurse who would become one of my closest friends. She told me I had several test lined up and could not eat before. I told her thanks for taking such good care of me. She replied "Thank you for being such a good patient, and for doing what is best for your little girls." That caught me off guard. She told me her sister placed a child for adoption and knows that it is hard. We talked as she wheeled me down to the ultra sound. They did a scan of my heart. Everything came back good, except my heart would speed up real fast and then slow down. Then they scanned the baby. She was doing great, moving around and active. I was so relived! I loved her so much. There was a feeling of peace that I would not have to call Anna and tell her something was wrong. Then they scanned the gallbladder. Bingo! It was full of stones. The My nurse looked at me and said " I'm SO sorry!" I was puzzled.

I went back to my room. I was meet there by a surgeon. We discussed the options. He said we could deliver the baby and a week after take it out. I said not an option. She was to early. Then he said we could do a classic incision that would be all around the side and take it out. I asked if there was a risk to the baby. He said there was a risk it would put me into labor, cause brain damage from the anesthesia and possibly death. I said no thanks. He said the only other way was to be put on a NO fat diet. I said I'll do it. Anything for her. He said ok, but we have to be careful because my liver enzymes were high. He needed to keep me in the hospital till the liver numbers went down.

I called Anna and let her know that the Dr.'s Appointment was canceled and what was going on. She asked if I needed anything, I said no. A few minutes later I got my breakfast. I thought, wow this is healthy! If I only knew this is what I would get for the remander of my pregnancy!

Flurry

The next several months seemed to fly by. Anna was at every appointment. I learned more about her with every visit. It just reinforced that this would be the baby's mom. She told me how they planned to parent. It was very similar to how I was with Ainsley. Everything seemed to be going good.

At night was when the emotional trouble came. It was quiet and I had time with my thoughts. I would cry myself to sleep most nights. I knew I couldn't keep the baby, but I loved her so much already. She was a part of me. I knew because of that love I had to do what was right. It didn't make it hurt any less.

It was around my 28th week. I had been having preterm labor for some time. I would go to the hospital and get it stopped. (I did this with Ainsley too.) I went in and they gave me the meds. It made me have the shakes as usual. the contractions stopped and I was sent home. Once I got home I laid down to rest and I had the worst heartburn of my life. I took some TUMS and they were no help. I called the hospital back and they said it could be an anxiety attack from the meds. I decided to walk around and see if that would help. An hour later, still no relief. I called them back. They said that if i felt like I needed to come in to do so. I did. I waited in the ER for over 2 hours crying in pain. When they took me back, they sent me right up to O.B. They gave me something for anxiety. Made me loopy as everything. A few minutes later the nurse came in and said that I needed to sign my discharge papers. I managed to tell her I was still hurting. Next thing I know there is a flurry of activity going on in the room. People were checking my heart, listing to my lungs and drawing blood work. Then they put me on something that watched my heart all the time. I was so scared! I kept asking how the baby was. They said she was OK. I was so relieved. I wouldn't know how to tell Anna and James something was wrong with their baby. Next thing I know they gave me some nitro under my tongue and some pain meds in the IV and I was knocked out.

Alone

When I got back to my parents house. Ainsley was at the door. What a sight! My beautiful girl. I got out if the car, went inside and grabbed her up in a big hug. Tears started to flow. After I had calmed down, i asked my parents to come to the living room and talk. I told my father I was pregnant and was giving the baby up for adoption. I could tell he was very disappointed and angry. He said " That is your only choice. The other one is the door." I accepted that. The other thing is I was not to tell any of the family. That was hard. I felt so alone. I was a dirty secret and am some way still am. I lost friends. It was to hard to explain about giving up the baby.
From that point on I was always in a odd state of peace about my decision, but at the same time my heart was breaking. I knew once I gave birth, this was no longer my baby. Never to hold, but always to love. I HAD to find the right family.
I had called several agencies. The only problem is that most didn't allow Ainsely to come with me. I didn't know what to do! I called Ainsey's Day Care to tell them I was going to be late on payment. I had grown up with the directions kids so I let her know what was going on. She connected me to Brother Aaron, the pastor of our church. the first question out of his mouth was " have you signed with an agency"? I said no. He said I have several families if you would like to hear about them. I said OK. The first ones wanted closed only. I said no. I wanted to meet them and see what kind of parents they would be. I also wanted pictures at least once a year, maybe a small letter. The second couple, the husband decided he was not ready. I was so glad he knew his heart. The third couple had just adopted from China. I thought I might never find a family. The next day Bro. Aaron called and told me that the third couple knew of some friend who were looking to adopt and if I was open to meeting them. I said sure. He said It would be the wife only, her husband was out of town on business. I said it was OK as long as i did get to meet him soon.
The day came for the meeting. I was SO nervous. I think I had a panic attack. Then I had this calming feeling and a voice tell me everything would be good. These were the people who were meant to be her parents. the way I felt is indescribable. The nerves were gone. I was at total peace. I was ready to meet my child's mother.
I had arrived early. I was seated in a meeting room. Bro. Aaron asked if I was nervous and needed to pray. I said I was nervous and needed prayer. I told him I could use as much prayer as I could get,, But I was not nervous. I had felt the had of God and that he or one of angles had told me these are ones.
About that time I saw her, the future mother if my child. I'll never forget it. She looked so hopeful and scared at the same time. I stood up and shook her had and introduced myself. We went back and forth with questions. What kind of abortion I wanted a semi-open. A picture a year and maybe a small note. I wanted to keep a third party line open for medical info. After her birth I did not want to see her until her and Ainsley were ready. We would get in touch and decided a date and age. She told me about their troubles conceiving and about their failed adoption. I tried to assure her that would not happen with me. Not that I'm trying to adopt I totally understand. After the meeting I told her I thought I was going to be a girl. I had no idea why. She smiled and said she felt it was too.
about a week later I meet James. He was very nervous and stand offish. I asked him if he wanted to be here and he said no. I told him he was free to leave at any time. He said he felt he needed to meet me and have some question answered and answer some questions for me. By the time we. Were done I told them they were the ones. they both asked if I was sure and didn't need to think on it. I said I was sure and to line up a lawyer. I asked Sarah if she wanted to come to the Dr.'s appoints with me. She says "really"?! I said sure. I also invited James, but it was out of his comfort zone.
I walked out of there knowing at least the first step on my child's future. If I had only known that time would run at lightning speed from then on. This race was meant to to be run alone.

Rampant Emotions

When my mom got to the doctors office, she was mad. I was expecting this, but not the magnitude. The first words she said were "You can't keep it. I'm not helping to raise another one!" Her face was so red with fury. She grabbed me by the arm and led me to the door. We sat out in the car. My mom turned to me and said " I'll pay for the abortion. All you have to is go there and do it." My mouth fell open. My mother was a church lady. Even worked in the church! Come to find out she had numerous abortions before she married my dad and after. I was floored. I think every notion I had of my mother flew out of the water. I told her I needed to think about it.
Over the next few days I thought of the brothers and sisters I could have had. I thought about The child I held in my arms as well as in my body. I was about to land a VERY good job, about to become independent again, my divorce bills were about to be paid off! Everything was going so right! The timing was so wrong. I knew the abortion would be easier. I could keep my job. My independence. Then there was the whole being pregnant and what to tell people. I couldn't keep the baby and do right by both of them. What would I tell Ansley? What would I tell my extended family? There were so many questions. Two totally different sides of the coin.
I went to my regular doctor. I told him What was going on and the options I was given. He gave me an ultrasound and said I was new enough along for the abortion pill. I went home and told mom the news. She wrote me a blank check and I headed to the clinic for my appointment. Half way there I pulled the car over. I couldn't do it. This baby was meant to be for some reason, just not for me to mother. I turned my car around and got ready to face my parents with my decision.

Finding Out

   I was working at a auto parts manufacturing plant. I ink was drying on my divorce papers. I hadn't seen my ex in months and was relieved! There was just to much violence. I was free! I was about to get hired on with the company, Ansley had just turned one and I was about to have enough money to move out of my parents house. 
   It was a regular night at work. I was at the spot welding machine churning out a pretty good number! All the sudden I had to go get sick. I went to the restroom, took care of business, and felt fine. I did this all night. I called the doctor's office as soon as it opened.
   By the time I got to the doctors office, I was so sick I could almost not lift my head. The nurse called me back. They did all the test and as the usual question "can you be pregnant" came, my answer was "NO"! I was on the shot and had taken every precaution, except abstinence. I said I thought I had a stomach virus. About fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and said "Congratulations, your going to have a baby"! My world shattered. I burst into tears. I don't think the doctor knew what to do with me! I just kept saying "Not now. I can't have this baby now." He gave me some space. I called my mom. I couldn't talk for crying. She said " Your pregnant, aren't you." I managed you say yes. She told me she would be right there and hung up. I was alone, and would remain so for the next seven months.

To my Readers.

This is my first blog, please have patience with me. This is a blog written by a Birth Mother who is trying to adopt 9 years later. There will be out pouring of pain related to relinquishment of my child's adoption. There will be notes of happiness and worry about the open adoption process we are about to embark on. My views my not be yours. We all have different ones I'm sure. I hope you enjoy. *All names have been changed*